Misogyny Beneath the surface
In recent years, we have noticed more conversations across racial, cultural, and religious lines of how many men express misogyny in subtle, often unacknowledged ways. This is not the overt, easily identifiable hostility most people associate with misogyny. Rather, it is quieter—embedded in assumptions, expectations, and socialized behaviors that often go unquestioned.
It shows up in small moments: who is interrupted and who is allowed to finish a thought; whose expertise is trusted without question and whose is met with skepticism. It appears in the tendency to view women’s emotional expression as excessive, while interpreting men’s emotional withdrawal as strength or composure. It lives in the expectation that women will perform the bulk of emotional labor; remembering important dates, managing relational conflict, maintaining connection while men move through those same spaces with less scrutiny or obligation.
In the therapy room, I have encountered men who present with explicit misogynistic beliefs. However, they are not the majority. Most men I work with demonstrate at least some awareness of how male socialization shapes their behavior—particularly in the wake of the #MeToo movement. That cultural moment, led predominantly by women speaking out about abuse, also created space for some men to recognize and name their own experiences of harm. More broadly, it forced a reckoning with the everyday dynamics of power, gender, and accountability.
Still, awareness does not necessarily translate into transformation. What I more commonly encounter is what might be understood as passive misogyny: internalized beliefs and reflexive behaviors that quietly reinforce gender hierarchy without overt or conscious intent.
This can look like defaulting to men for leadership or decision-making, even in spaces where women are equally or more qualified. It can look like perceiving assertiveness in men as confidence, while labeling the same behavior in women as aggression or disrespect. It shows up when a man believes himself to be progressive, yet still feels entitled to a woman’s time, attention, or emotional availability.
It also manifests relationally: minimizing a woman’s concerns as “overthinking,” offering solutions where empathy is requested, or framing partnership as something to be managed rather than mutually shaped. In more intimate dynamics, it can appear as subtle control; making decisions unilaterally under the guise of “helping,” or expecting accommodation without negotiation.
While my observations are drawn from a limited number; clients in community mental health and private practice, the consistency of these patterns is notable. They are not confined to heterosexual men. Among men within the queer community, misogyny can manifest in both similar and distinct ways. Even outside of traditional gender roles, there can remain a distancing from femininity or a devaluing of women’s experiences.
At the same time, the therapy space offers an important counterpoint. I have witnessed men engage critically with their own conditioning, recognize how these subtle behaviors contribute to larger systems of harm, and begin the work of dismantling them. This process is rarely immediate or linear, but it is possible and meaningful.
My work with women, particularly Black women, provides an essential lens. Many are navigating a world that persistently positions them as inferior while demanding resilience, adaptability, and excellence. Despite this, they maintain a grounded sense of pride—one shaped by both survival and self-definition in the face of ongoing sexism.
What stands out is not only their endurance, but their continued willingness to imagine and pursue equitable relationships. Even amid persistent messaging that positions power as belonging to men, many women are still asking what it means to share power and to build relationships rooted in mutuality rather than hierarchy.
It is within this tension between awareness and habit, between harm and repair, between dominance and partnership, that these subtler forms of misogyny persist. Not as an aberration, but as a reflection of the systems that shape behavior long before individuals begin to question them.
Therapy, in this context, becomes more than a site of reflection. It becomes a place of interruption. It offers men the opportunity to confront both overt and subtle forms of misogyny, not simply as abstract social issues, but as lived patterns within their own relationships, language, and assumptions. At the same time, it creates space for women to name and process the internalized impacts of those patterns; the self-doubt, hyper-accommodation, and negotiation of worth that often develop in response to persistent inequity. In doing so, therapy holds the dual task of accountability and repair: challenging harmful conditioning while supporting the reconstruction of more equitable, self-aware ways of relating. It is within this work that both the unlearning of misogyny and the healing of its effects begin to take shape.